Machine Sickness Excerpt

Somehow, today, I found the focus I’ve been lacking and spent most of the day working on the first draft of my first novel. Below is a brief snippet of Machine Sickness. Feedback is welcome.

Dr. Viswanathan pressed his intercom button. He’d asked to be put through to Chakrindar at the Bureau ten minutes ago and hadn’t heard from Juni since.  Ah…the intercom button failed to light up or make its usual beep. He looked up and realized the overhead light had gone off at some point; he’d failed to notice it as the sun’s evening rays were streaming in across Lake Michigan, visible as a slice of turquoise-green color between the skyscrapers today. It was chilly today, and if the power didn’t come back on in a few minutes, he might a well go home because it would be too uncomfortable to work soon. He walked to his office door and popped his head out. Juni was standing in the corner, feet in a spreading puddle of cold coffee on the floor, the handle of the pot in her hand, warped beyond recognition, and the coffee maker looked like a cake that had fallen.

“Juni?” He asked, which snapped her out of her shock. She tried to put the coffee pot down, but the handle stuck to her hand. She pushed it off with the other hand, but like a Tar Baby it just stuck to her more. She grabbed for a roll of paper towels, but they stuck to the plastic residue too. Dr. Viswanathan took a step towards her, just as her left shoe came apart and she turned her ankle, sitting down in the puddle of coffee.

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One thought on “Machine Sickness Excerpt

  1. Hello

    In this section “visible as a slice of turquoise-green color between the skyscrapers today. It was chilly today, and if the power didn’t come back on in a few minutes” the use of the word today is a bit redundant. Perhaps come up with another way to express that without repeating that word twice so close together. There also was a typo here “he might a well go home”
    I think this part could use some work to make what is happening more clear. “Juni was standing in the corner, feet in a spreading puddle of cold coffee on the floor, the handle of the pot in her hand, warped beyond recognition, and the coffee maker looked like a cake that had fallen” More description possibly and expound a bit more about how things looked.

    Other than that it is intriguing and I look forward to reading more 🙂

    Like

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